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Aformmagio: To play in
a slow and cheesy manner.
AnDante: A musical composition that is infernally slow.
Angus Dei: To play with a divine beefy tone.
Anti-phonal: Referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert
hall.
A Patella: Unaccompanied knee-slapping.
Appologgiatura: A composition, solo or instrument you regret playing.
Approximatura: A series of notes played by a performer, not intended by
the composer.
Approximento: A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the
correct pitch.
( note: these last two phenomena are often found in the violas . )
Bar Line: What musicians form after a concert.
Bach's B minor mess: An under-rehearsed performance of the same ..featuring the
chorus from the school for the deaf .
B flatus ostinato: what the bass section does during a performance after having
mexican food after the rehearsal.
Col Legno: When the lady cellists are pulling a Sharon Stone by wearing
miniskirts (sans thong) at performances ..( and you know what they say: without
a thong .etc. )
Concerto Grossissimo: A really bad performance.
Coral Symphony: (See Beethoven-Caribbean period)
Cornetti Trombosis Disastrous: entanglement of brass instruments that can occur
when musicians exit hastily down the stage stairs.
Dill Piccolino: A wind instrument that plays only sour notes.
Fermantra: A note that is held over and over and over and...
Fartissimo: ( See B flatus ostinato only with more refried beans )
Fermoota: A rest of indefinite length and dubious value.
Fog Hornoso: A sound that is heard when the conductor's intentions are not
clear.
Frugalhorn: A sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.
Gaul Blatter: A French horn player.
Good Conductor: A person who can give an electrifying performance.
Gotterdamerdung: What the German trumpet player with diaherrea experiences after
a series of high Cs .
Gregorian Champ: Monk who can hold a note the longest.
Kvetchendo: Gradually getting annoyingly louder.
Mallade: A romantic song that's pretty awful.
Molto bolto : Head straight for the ending.
Opera buffa: Musical stage production by nudists.
Poochini Musical: Performance, accompanied by a dog.
Peek on Piatti: Any musician caught looking over his/her shoulder to see when
the really loud cymbal crash is coming.
Pre-Classical Conservatism: School of thought which fostered the idea, "if
it ain't baroque,don't fix it.
Sackbutt: rear view of the 300 lb. tuba player.
Sur la Tush : similar to previous, but a rear view of the lovely new second flutist ..
Spritzicato: Plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly
sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional).
Tempo Tantrumo: When a young band refuses to keep time with the conductor.
Tincanabulation: The annoying or irritating sounds made by extremely cheap
bells.
Vesuvioso: A gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.
The following is a list of more obscure forms of domestic band
weapons of
mass destruction. In my opinion, these are the most insidious and
dangerous weapons of all. To the common lay person, they appear innocuous
and non-lethal, but in the right hands, they present a threat of
incalculable proportions. Please read the following and heed all
precautions therewith.
PICCOLO. The minute dimensions of this weapon make it especially lethal as
it is easily concealed and can be set off just about anywhere. As a solo
weapon, this device emits a high pitched squeal that directly targets the
inner ear. The application of this tone temporarily disorients its intended
victim, rendering him unable to react. The natural reaction of covering
one's ears to reduce the intense pain causes military personnel within a
100-yard radius to drop their weapons, leaving them defenseless to further
attack. Applied in concert with a second piccolo of slightly higher or
lower pitch, the weapons produce the effect of an ice pick through the
eardrum and may cause profuse bleeding of the aural cavity. These weapons
are constructed in three forms: metal, composite materials, wood, or any
combination of the three. The all metal piccolos are especially lethal.
The only countermeasure to this weapon is to apply psychological warfare in
the following manner: Compliment the musician on her clothes, hair, and/or
shoes. This will distract the musician(s) from emitting the deadly tones
and will cause her to gab endlessly about herself. This in itself takes us
to another problem man has dealt with for a thousand years and to which
there is no
antidote. Good Luck!
FLUTE. Slightly less effective as the piccolo, but still nothing to be
trifled with. The flute possesses the same destructive qualities as the
piccolo, but is required in greater numbers to do so. Sixth and
seventh-grade females are especially effective with this weapon and are to
be approached with extreme caution.
OBOE. This weapon may appear harmless at first sight. The
instrument's
stealth qualities lure its intended victims into a false state of security
and then hit you without mercy. The oboe itself is a harmless composite or
wooden conical tube. Once the ordnance (reed) is inserted, it is a weapon
of tremendous power. One comforting factor is that the oboe is only as
dangerous as the musician who wields it. At first glance, the operator of
the oboe appears sweet and demure and quite approachable. Do not be fooled
by this deception. The oboist is actually a very high-strung and
temperamental foe. This is caused by the perpetual search for the perfect
reed, which, we all know, doesn't exist. Those who play on plastic reeds
are the bottom dwellers of the oboe world and especially dangerous. The
oboe is capable of producing a tone of laser-like quality. The sheer
capabilities of volume produced can overpower an entire concert band. The
resulting back pressure produced by over blowing has a two-way effect. It
allows the musician to play seemingly forever on one breath, resulting in
sympathetic vibrations causing bulletproof glass and diamonds to shatter
into deadly flying shards. The warning signs of impending doom occur when
the musician raises the body of the instrument to her mouth to blow dust
from under a key. This is how the weapon is cocked. If you ever see
an
oboist do this, run for cover, for all hell is about to break loose. The
second effect of this weapon's back pressure is to eventually drive the
owner insane. On rare occasion, an oboist's head has been known to explode
while firing his weapon. The only countermeasure to this weapon is to
remove and professionally destroy the ordnance (reed). Doing so will incur
the wrath of its owner; so, use extreme caution.
The first master of the oboe as a weapon was Melvin Schwartz (Oklahoma
All-State Band 1982), name changed to protect the guilty. He
single-handedly destroyed a performance of the Howard Hanson Romantic
Symphony Finale under McBeth with his laser-like tones and inconsistent
attacks. To this day, a bounty is on his head and he was last seen tending
bar in Tijuana.
Eb CLARINET. The Eb clarinet is the Tasmanian devil of the woodwind
family. Entirely uncontrollable and unpredictable, its blunderbuss like
emissions can occur without warning. It is as much a danger to its owner
as it is to the intended victim. For this reason, the Eb clarinet is not
in wide use today and is only used by highly trained professionals and
circus band daredevils.
Bb CLARINET. As the flute is to the piccolo, the Bb clarinet is to the Eb
clarinet. The only time a Bb clarinet is considered truly dangerous is in
the hands of a saxophonist doubling on clarinet. His seemingly lacking
ability to adjust his air to the clarinet causes a tone so forced and
horrific that decorum prevents me from continuing.
ALTO, BASS, CONTRA BASS CLARINET. The Scud missiles of the clarinet
family. Considered to be low-grade weapons, these clarinets are of limited
danger due to the below average intelligence of their operators.
BASSOON. This is a weapon designed to start wars. Used primarily
indoors,
this weapon's unique tone can cause great embarrassment in social
situations. Also known as the farting bed post, the bassoonist will hide
behind a set of curtains at an official state dinner or similar function.
With the help of a diplomatic operative during the meal, the intermittent
flatulent tones emitted by the bassoon can be blamed on certain visiting
high government officials, causing great embarrassment and the possible
beginning of hostilities between two countries. The best countermeasure to
the bassoon involves lighter fluid and matches (you fill in the blanks).
SOPRANO SAXOPHONE. (Kenny G., enough said.)
ALTO SAXOPHONE. Originally invented by Adolph Sax as the result of an
evening of much cheap wine and a dare by a drunken horn player, he produced
an instrument that is neither brass nor woodwind. The only intended victim
of this vile weapon is the concert band French horn player. Nothing is
worse than hearing a great brass lick only to be obscured by the overly
reedy tone and wobbly vibrato of some half-crazed alto sax doubling the
horns and overplaying them. Composers and arrangers are to blame as much
as the alto players. Older players unable to temper their 1940s swing band
vibrato are also a danger. The only countermeasure is to question their
manhood by daring the player to play Charlie Parker's Donna Lee at 230
beats-per-minute. That should shut em up!
TENOR SAXOPHONE. (See Alto Saxophone.) Countermeasure: throw down the
gauntlet with a dare to render John Coltrane's Giant Steps.
BARITONE SAXOPHONE. A tenor or alto wannabe, this instrument is flaccid
and harmless, unless played in the style of Stephen Doc Kupka (Tower of
Power). His sporadic well-placed grunting and punctuated style, when
discovered by young players, can cause discomfort among the average school
director. The only countermeasure to this is self medication by the
teacher in the form of tequila shots or similar substances.
TRUMPET. Obviously, one would think that a trumpeter's greatest weapon is
his ability to play high notes at great volume. This is a misconception
that has been perpetuated unwittingly by great performers like Maynard
Ferguson and Dizzy Gillespie. The danger is not in the player who can play
high. The danger lies in the player who THINKS he can play high. A
young
player's incessant caterwauling and inflated ego are a danger to himself
and all those around him. The best effective countermeasure is to allow
the player to continue his high note practice (even encourage him to go
higher and louder) until his lips explode or he cracks a tooth jamming his
face into the mouthpiece.
FRENCH HORN. French horns, thankfully, are a danger only to a small group
of people, as their bells point in the wrong direction. They are only a
danger to those unfortunate enough to have to sit behind them. Their
intonation problems and constant cracking of pitches is of great annoyance
to those brass players sitting behind them. Though lately, the
introduction of Plexiglas reflectors has reduced the danger to those behind
the horns, unfortunately it presents a greater danger to the players
themselves and those in front of them. Upon hearing their actual tones
coming back at them, some hornists have been known to actually puke right
on stage due to the hideousness of their own tone.
TROMBONE. A unique application, the instrument itself is not the real
danger. The person playing the instrument is what is truly dangerous.
The
trombone and its player are the original smart bomb. This weapon is most
effective in high-tech warfare areas. Insertion of one or more trombonists
into a warfare computer center instantly lowers the aggregate IQ in the
room. The trombonist's incredible stupidity is a lethal bio weapon that
spreads at an incredible rate. Within five minutes of exposure, all
computer operators within a 50-foot radius are reduced to drooling idiots
incapable of the simplest motor functions and bowel control. Use of
trombonists as weapons was outlawed by the Geneva Convention in 1999 after
an ugly incident at a Dixieland convention in Sacramento
BARITONE/EUPHONIUM. This is a weapon of mass confusion. Euphonium
players
are the Rodney Dangerfields of the brass world. Young players especially
don't know their place in the band. They double French horns, trombones,
saxophones, tubas in octaves, bass clarinets, bassoons & yadda, yadda,
yadda! Euphonium orchestral parts are played by the second trombone or
worse, the tuba player! For this reason, most euphonium or baritone
(WHATEVER !) players resort to doubling on trombone. This is when they
become dangerous (see trombone).
TUBA. This is a sonic weapon that, when set off, can produce sub sonic
tones causing a general feeling of uneasiness and queasiness to those
within its effective range. Also, one may attach a sousaphone to a
marching column of soldiers. As all tubists drag, the ever-slowing
performance of um-pahs will eventually reduce the marching soldiers to a
snail's pace, causing them to be late for a battle or to not arrive at all.
The most effective countermeasure is to feed the tubist with great
quantities of beer (imports, if you have them). It won't improve his
playing, but makes him more enjoyable to be around.
SNARE DRUM/TRAP SET. This weapon affects only a very small demographic:
teenage girls and the fathers of these girls with steady jobs and liquid
bank accounts. The snare drummer and the jazz/rock variety of set player
act almost like a computer worm. The drummer will attach himself to an
unsuspecting teenage girl and milk her and her father's finances in such a
way as to not be noticed by the father until it is too late. Drummers are
the leaches of the music world and can only be countered by being forced to
get a real day job. This will reduce the drummer's coolness factor and the
daughter will immediately lose interest.
(Author Unknown...probably one of those sneaky piano
players) |
